Just As I Am...

Once in a while in your life, people come around who hear you.  Really hear you.  Not just what you say.  But even more importantly, what you don't.  They can see behind your words and into your heart.  You know the kind, right?

This week, I've become better acquainted with a few of these people in my life.  These are friends I've met primarily through this blog, but they've been blessing my life greatly as we've developed a friendship.  And they pointed out some things to me that I truly needed to hear.  I'm grateful for the reminder.  Maybe you will be, too.  Here's what they had to say...

You really can't love anyone else any more than you love yourself.

And I haven't been loving myself all that much.

For nearly two years now, I've been more conscious of not being negative about the choices I made long ago that got me to the point of being 328 pounds with bone-on-bone arthritis in both knees.  I've told myself that I was a different person then, and until yesterday, I honestly believed that to be true.  Until this.

"Just because you want to change who you are does NOT NOT NOT mean that you can not LOVE yourself today.  The future Angie should love the TODAY Angie -- after all they are the same."

That's what someone told me.  And I can't dismiss it.  Not without thinking about it, mulling it over, and considering the truth behind that statement.

I've been so concerned with being on this journey to a "new" me, that along the way, I've forgotten that I need to love the me I WAS...and the me I currently AM...just as I am.  It's not enough to love who I will become, because that implies that I will somehow have earned or deserved the right to be loved.

And the more I ponder this idea, the more I am coming to believe that love isn't earned...or deserved.  At its highest and best, love is unmerited favor.  And loving myself can be no different.  I need to give myself grace in the here and now and stop thinking that the "new" me will be so much more lovable than the person I am now.  I AM lovable...I just haven't been very loving or kind to myself. I can easily see every flaw I've ever had, and while I may not beat myself up about them like I used to, I still think them...regret them...mentally dwell on them. 

That's what's got to change.  In short, I need to love myself right here, right now, just as I am.

Just the way that God loves me.

Because, friends, if I can't do that...then who else will?  And more importantly, if I don't love myself, then how can I love others?

I don't have any answers to these questions, but I think the struggle to find them will be worth it.

Stay tuned...I'll keep you updated.

What Lies Beneath...

Beneath that lid lies my nemesis.

Anyone who knows me knows EXACTLY what's inside that box.  It's my favorite pizza.  Ledo's.  Precooked bacon on top.  That's how I usually order it.  Last night was no exception. 

And while I was at the restaurant, I ate only 2 slices of a small pizza...perfectly OK as a once-in-a-while treat for dinner.  Not too calorie laden, just enough of a taste of my very favorite treat to satisfy my craving for this food of the gods.  It was what happened later that kinda got out of control!  But, as with most of the chaos in my life, in that moment, I discovered something vital about myself that I needed to learn on this journey to the new me.

It's not the pizza.  That's not my nemesis.  It never has been. 

It's me.

There is no denying that right now I'm dealing with some huge professional and personal hurdles.  I talk about some of the things going on in my life right now on this blog, but there's so much more that I either can't or won't share here.  Just like all of you, I have a life that gets complicated.  Those complications repeatedly play in my head.  They make me feel all range of negative emotions:  insecurity, lack of self-worth, sad, hurt, lonely.

Last night was a particularly difficult night emotionally for me.  And after I got home from Ledo's, I was stressed from thinking about all the difficult things that I'm trying to process.  And although I was no longer hungry - for anything but comfort - I got that box of leftovers from Ledo's.  And I ate 4 more slices of my favorite food.  Add that to the 2 pieces I ate earlier, and you have now just been invited to a 6-slice dinner!  THAT is not an OK once-in-a-while treat.  THAT is calorie overload in a week that I've been struggling with a weight gain anyway!  Tomorrow morning is not going to be pretty on weigh in day.  It's just not.

If you are familiar with Ledo's pizza, you'll recognize that 6 slices isn't quite as bad as it sounds on the surface.  For those of you who have never experienced this slice of heaven on earth, you should know that Ledo's pizzas are square, not round.  The slices are about 3 inch square slices, rather than the traditional triangular slices that most pizza places serve.  Six of them is probably about 720 calories or so.  Not a huge problem for most people to absorb in their diet.  Pretty easy to down, actually, without feeling overly filled and uncomfortable.

So, then, what was my REAL problem?  If it wasn't the pizza...it wasn't the extra calories...then what was it?

My reason for eating. 

I am an emotional eater.  Period.  I thought I had made some gains on this.  I mistakenly thought I was "over" it.  But I'm not.  I never will be.  Emotional eating is not completely out of my control.  But it's not ever going to go away, either.  It's part of who I am.  Do they have a 12 step program for this?

"Hi, I'm Angie.  I'm an emotional eater."

I have been, am now, and will always be an emotional eater.  THAT'S my nemesis.  THAT is what I will spend the rest of my life controlling.  I eat when I'm not hungry.  I eat my way through all manner of emotions - not just the bad ones.  And no matter how hard I try, I always will be an emotional eater.  It's no different for me than it is for an alcoholic or drug addict.  Truly.  And living with it will mean much the same thing for me as it does for them.  One day at a time.

So today, in a much better emotional place thanks to time in prayer and wise counsel from some of the people I love most in the world, I'm absorbing the reality of this into my life.  If this is who I am...if I know this about myself...that it lies in wait beneath the surface, and that it always will...how then shall I live?  What changes will be needed in my life to keep this in check?  I'm not sure I have all of those answers yet, but I will continue to search for them.  I have to.  This isn't going to go away, no matter how emotionally and physically healthy I become on this journey to the new me.

Now you know what lies beneath the surface.  This is scary stuff...facing your nemesis...taking it on rather than letting it rule you.  Pray for me friends...as I do for you.  And if you've got any ideas for me...bring 'em on.  I'm listening.

The Post I Never Wanted To Write...

I've been sick lately.  Double ear infection. Sinus infection.  Just generally feeling icky.  Between this sickness and parent teacher conferences, I've missed more than a few gym visits over the past two weeks. I was very grateful for the chance to have some medication to help me feel better.  Got it last Sunday.  And it started helping my ear pain immediately.  My sinus pressure has been getting better day by day.

But this has all come at a cost.

I weigh 5 pounds more today than I weighed a week ago today. 

Now, you might be thinking what I did initially...this is an OK trade off.  The infection is leaving my body.  When I'm done taking the antibiotic, a particularly strong one given multiple sources of infection in me, I'll probably lose the extra 5 pounds I'm carrying.  Even though I checked the prescription information and it didn't list "weigh gain" or "water retention" as side effects of taking this medicine, I am hopeful that once I'm done taking it, my bloating and swollen joints will return to normal.

But what if they don't?

I've become so accustomed to the scale running the other way that to see the gain in weight has just about undone me.  I can see the water swelling my joints.  I can feel the "squishy" feeling of water weight.  But what if it doesn't resolve when I'm done taking the antibiotics?  What if I have to lose these 5 pounds all over again?  Or worse yet, what if I gain more?

I didn't ever want to write this blog post.  I didn't want to have to come here in public and claim a 5 pound weight gain in a week's time, no matter what caused it.  And I almost didn't.  But a friend reminded me that this is another part of the journey.  And people need to know about it.  Because it happens to you, too, and you need to know you're not alone.  That's what this whole blog is about, after all.  So I swallowed my pride, sucked up my gut, and sat down at the computer to fully disclose what's happening in my journey this week.

Things aren't always successful for me, just like they're not for you, nor for anyone else in the world.  This past week has been so hard to take.  It's been a struggle to see myself realistically.  I look in the mirror and see pudge in places that I KNOW it was gone from just a week ago.  Physically, I'm finally starting to feel better.  But emotionally, I feel like I've been beat upon by a prize fighter.  We're in the twelfth round, and I feel like I'm going down!

The great thing about being where I am, almost 2 years into this journey to the new, improved version of Angie, is that I understand a few important truths. 

First, what I FEEL isn't necessarily what is TRUE.  I may feel defeated, but I know for certain that I'm not.  Regardless of whether the scale moves back down or not when I'm done with the antibiotic, I have lost 104 pounds and have gained enough self-confidence and self-esteem to know that I will eventually lose all the rest of the weight I want to lose to reach my goal.

Next, losing weight is an important part of this journey I've been on, but it is not really about that.  It never has been.  It's about total wellness - physical, mental, and spiritual.  And right now, it's more important to resolve the infection in my body than to focus on keeping weight off.  If the side effect is temporary weight gain to eradicate the infection, then so be it.  Priority wise, being WELL is more important than a number on the scale.

Finally, the journey has taught me everything I need to know about losing weight.  If this 5 pounds doesn't immediately drop off my body, I know what to do to lose it.  And when my body is well, I can do it.  Eat less, move more.  It's really very simple.  And I know I can do it.  I've already successfully done it.  And I will again.

So, full disclosure.  That's what sharing this journey is about.  No, today's post isn't one that I ever wanted to write...nor is gaining 5 pounds in a week something I ever wanted to experience.  But here we are.  And honestly, I'm grateful.  Why you ask?  Because you're here with me...supporting me...encouraging me on the journey.  Taking this ride with you has been a highlight of my life! 

On to better days, my friends...on to better days!