The Woman Who Made Me What I Am...

One important thing that I've learned along this journey to a "new" me is that where I came from is important.  Vitally important.  And I have to tell you, I come from good stock, friends.

Today is Friday, April 6, 2012.  One day before my mom's 66th birthday.  Tomorrow will be fun to celebrate her birthday with her, but today is a far more important day in her life.  Today will be the last day that she is a full-time worker.  She's retiring at the close of business today.  Retiring from a job she has done well for 41 years.  Retiring from a job that she never wanted in the first place.

My mom grew up in an era where many young women, herself included, wanted nothing more than to grow up, find the right guy, marry him, and have lots of babies.  Her dream began that way in 1965 when she married my dad, and took another step in that direction in 1967 when she had me.  But that dream changed significantly when the marriage ended and she found herself a jobless, single mother.  There would be no "right guy" and only one baby for my mom...me.  Watching a dream die is a difficult thing to do, isn't it?

There is no one I know personally whom I admire and respect more than my mom.  Alone, with no formal job training and a 4 year old daughter to care for, she did what so many in that situation also find the guts to do...she built a new life - out of pretty much nothing except love and determination.  She found a job, one that was willing to train her to be a bookkeeper, something she excelled at.  She found a montesori school for me that I remember being fun.  And most importantly, she found within herself a strength that I'm not sure she knew she possessed.  Crises will do that for you every time, friends. 

My mom is someone who knows a bit about journeying to a "new" self.  She never wanted to be a bookkeeper, but over the course of her unintentional career, she found that she was very skilled at it, and developed a new sense of self esteem that she might not ever have experienced had she not been forced into discovering it.  She could have been bitter about it all, but she took it in stride, found the positive aspects of her life, and slowly, over time built a new dream, a new life.

Anything I know about beginning again, about perseverance, about getting back up when you fall down, I learned from her.  My mom made me the woman I am, her model and guidance are responsible for making me who I am becoming.  I owe her everything.  You see, I was her new dream. The reason she pulled herself up by her bootstraps when the world came crashing in was that she refused - FLAT OUT REFUSED - to allow anything to happen to me.  Rather than lean on the state for support, she reached deep down inside herself and found all the strength she needed.  For herself and for me.

So, Mom...enjoy today.  As you told me this morning, you earned this.  I agree wholeheartedly.  You've earned the right to retire...to enjoy the fruits of your labor.  Thank you for everything you did...for me...for yourself...for us to have a life that I look back on and love.  You are an amazing woman and I am so, so proud to be your daughter.  I love you.

Just a Plain Old Thursday...

Someone very wise once told me that "Normal" is just a setting on a dryer.  I love that quote.  It applies to so much of life.  For example, why be "normal" when with a little effort you can be extraordinary?  Or why expect "normal" when it's the unexpected surprises in life that can be so entertaining and enjoyable?

But with all due respect to the wise woman who shared her view of "normal" with me, I do think there does need to be a sense of normality about life in some ways.  It helps us maintain our sanity, I think.  It let's us know what to expect and brings us a bit of comfort and security from routine.  And I've been lacking that in many ways lately, personally and professionally. 

Spring Break has been a WONDERFUL time of resting and relaxation for me.  And today especially was a great day of "normal" for me.  A great workout, time with a wonderful friend, some household chores, and cooking a nice meal.  Just a plain old Thursday.  And BOY am I grateful for that.

Hope your day was "normal" in the very best sense of the word...

And Watch Me Rise Again...

I lift weights now.  Did you know that?  Me...Angie.  Power lifter!  Hahaha!  Not quite yet, but I will be one day.  That you can take to the bank.  For right now, I can do a little more than this over here, but not too much.

Every time I raise that bar over my head or curl the weight in my hand, I wonder how it is I got to this place...where it is not inconceivable that I can lift that weight...repeatedly.  Because those of you who know me in real life, not just on this virtual reality called my blog, can attest that I've never remotely been someone that ANYONE would mistake for a weightlifter.

But you know what?  People change.  We experience things in life that knock us out of our complacency...that force us to look at who we are...and change...grow.

We rise again.

Better.  Stronger.  More like we were made to be.

This is the last post based on the song Who Am I by Casting Crowns.  I heard that song 2 weeks ago tonight in concert.  I have to tell you...I've heard that songs hundreds of times.  Crowns is one of my favorite bands...have been for years.  And this song isn't new.  I can sing it word for word, know all of the harmony lines.  But 14 days ago when I heard it, something in it reached right into my spirit and ministered to me.  These lines in particular...

Who am I
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

And over the past two weeks, I think I've figured out what God wants me to know...what He was saying to me that night, and has been saying to me from the first moment that I met Him.

Angie, you are Mine. I know you.  I've saved you. And I love you.  Just like you are right now in this minute.  Get UP girl...it's time to move on.

I have held on to insecurity because of my body image...because of past relationships and hurts...because of probably hundreds of reasons that I am not going to take the time to name here.  But what I've really discovered over the past few weeks of this song marinating in me is that who I WAS is not the definition of who I AM, nor of who I WILL BE.  And God loves me just as much right now as He did when this journey began 2 years ago...and just as much as He will when I reach the end goal of weight loss.  His love is not dependent on me...on my success...on my failure...on my faithfulness...on anything I bring to the relationship.  His love is dependent on HIM ALONE.

And because of that, I don't need to be insecure...afraid of failure...afraid of success (oddly enough!)...afraid of anything.

So yeah...I lift weights.  You know why?  Because it's time to be who I was meant to be.  It's time to rise again.  God and I have things to accomplish in my life...and it's time to get on with it.