I haven't written in a while. Maybe you've noticed. Maybe you've even missed me. Maybe not! (Don't tell me if that's the case, please!) But perhaps more than anything you've wondered why I went missing from my blog. After all, for the past 20 months or so, I've had a lot to say. Except for the past few.
Honestly, I've been deciding how to keep moving on this journey...determining if being transparent and blogging about how my life is changing is truly something I value, or only something that I enjoy when life is going well. That's been a difficult question to answer. It's required me to examine some deep places in my life and in my faith. But the fact that I'm back here talking may give you some indication of the answer I've reached.
I started this blog because I clearly felt the leading of The Lord to do so. That's why I began this journey to discover who I really am, too. Somehow, somewhere along my journey as a person, I lost sight of that and allowed myself to become someone that I didn't want to be. I found myself a few years back as a 328 pound arthritic woman who didn't love herself, didn't even really like herself, and lived every day in a great deal of physical and emotional pain.
Slowly, over time God's been walking me back, showing me where He wanted me to be all along. He's taught me things that He wants me to know about Him, but also about ME. I've looked at myself more openly and honestly in the past 20 months than perhaps I have in the past 20 years! It's been eye opening and life changing.
But it hasn't all been good. Or easy.
In fact, the past two months in particular have quite literally been hell in some ways.
I've had tremendous battles with physical pain. My left knee in particular frequently swells, frequently aches, and generally makes me wish I could amputate my leg above the knee just to get rid of the source of searing pain it gives me with every step. (Yes, I am a dramatic person...but no, I'm not exaggerating this pain. Sadly.)
In addition to that, I've had a fair amount of emotional "stuff" to deal with as I have transitioned to a life without my husband, at least for the foreseeable time being. I'm not going to discuss our marriage on this blog, because those discussions belong between me, Dan, and the Lord...not in the public arena. But you can imagine that making this adjustment, determining whether it is temporary or permanent, trying to discern His will for my life and marriage...these are weighty issues to take on.
The bottom line though for why I've stayed away from my blog is that I didn't want to be transparent with you about my weight. This blog is where I promised you...promised myself...that I would always be honest. And I don't want to be. However, not wanting to and not NEEDING to are different things. And what I'm feeling right now is a need to come clean.
I've gained weight. A lot of it, actually.
I had to seriously curtail my workouts, cardio in particular, because of my knee issues and because of my new schedule of working two jobs in order to function financially as a single parent. Mostly because of my knee, though. I've been too proud to leave the gym and go back to the pool for workouts, even though I know I should have and had much success with them earlier in this journey.
With a curtailed workout schedule I should have cut back calories. But I didn't. And over these two months, I've gained 20 pounds.
The scale this morning said 245.
No more 100 pound loss.
Not even 90!
I am almost quite literally where I was a year ago...and I'm mad about that.
Mad at myself.
I know how to do this. I know that "eat less, move more" is how my body is designed to work. But I haven't done either of those things in the past two months. And I know why. Pride.
Too proud to admit I can't be in the gym right now and go back to the pool.
Too proud to come here and tell you about the bend in the road I'm trying to navigate...without much success.
Too proud to face the fact that I can't handle it all - the physical and emotional crap that's piled up in my life right now - and ask God to take it from me and handle it for me.
So what's a girl to do when she finally faces the truth? Well, I figured I had two choices: end this blog, go on my merry way, and do life in private and hope for the best...or come back here and walk this walk in front of you, be as transparent as I've always been on the journey, and count on Him to build better things in ALL of us because of it.
And I chose to be here.
I hope you're still here, too. I don't know where He's leading us...but I'm here.