A Long Time Coming...

I haven't written in a while. Maybe you've noticed. Maybe you've even missed me. Maybe not! (Don't tell me if that's the case, please!) But perhaps more than anything you've wondered why I went missing from my blog. After all, for the past 20 months or so, I've had a lot to say. Except for the past few.

Honestly, I've been deciding how to keep moving on this journey...determining if being transparent and blogging about how my life is changing is truly something I value, or only something that I enjoy when life is going well. That's been a difficult question to answer. It's required me to examine some deep places in my life and in my faith. But the fact that I'm back here talking may give you some indication of the answer I've reached.

I started this blog because I clearly felt the leading of The Lord to do so. That's why I began this journey to discover who I really am, too. Somehow, somewhere along my journey as a person, I lost sight of that and allowed myself to become someone that I didn't want to be. I found myself a few years back as a 328 pound arthritic woman who didn't love herself, didn't even really like herself, and lived every day in a great deal of physical and emotional pain.

Slowly, over time God's been walking me back, showing me where He wanted me to be all along. He's taught me things that He wants me to know about Him, but also about ME. I've looked at myself more openly and honestly in the past 20 months than perhaps I have in the past 20 years! It's been eye opening and life changing.

But it hasn't all been good. Or easy.

In fact, the past two months in particular have quite literally been hell in some ways.

I've had tremendous battles with physical pain. My left knee in particular frequently swells, frequently aches, and generally makes me wish I could amputate my leg above the knee just to get rid of the source of searing pain it gives me with every step. (Yes, I am a dramatic person...but no, I'm not exaggerating this pain. Sadly.)

In addition to that, I've had a fair amount of emotional "stuff" to deal with as I have transitioned to a life without my husband, at least for the foreseeable time being. I'm not going to discuss our marriage on this blog, because those discussions belong between me, Dan, and the Lord...not in the public arena. But you can imagine that making this adjustment, determining whether it is temporary or permanent, trying to discern His will for my life and marriage...these are weighty issues to take on.

The bottom line though for why I've stayed away from my blog is that I didn't want to be transparent with you about my weight. This blog is where I promised you...promised myself...that I would always be honest. And I don't want to be. However, not wanting to and not NEEDING to are different things. And what I'm feeling right now is a need to come clean.

I've gained weight. A lot of it, actually.

I had to seriously curtail my workouts, cardio in particular, because of my knee issues and because of my new schedule of working two jobs in order to function financially as a single parent. Mostly because of my knee, though. I've been too proud to leave the gym and go back to the pool for workouts, even though I know I should have and had much success with them earlier in this journey.

With a curtailed workout schedule I should have cut back calories. But I didn't. And over these two months, I've gained 20 pounds.

The scale this morning said 245.

No more 100 pound loss.
Not even 90!
Nope...only 83.

I am almost quite literally where I was a year ago...and I'm mad about that.

Mad at myself.

I know how to do this. I know that "eat less, move more" is how my body is designed to work. But I haven't done either of those things in the past two months. And I know why. Pride.

Too proud to admit I can't be in the gym right now and go back to the pool.

Too proud to come here and tell you about the bend in the road I'm trying to navigate...without much success.

Too proud to face the fact that I can't handle it all - the physical and emotional crap that's piled up in my life right now - and ask God to take it from me and handle it for me.

Pride.

So what's a girl to do when she finally faces the truth? Well, I figured I had two choices: end this blog, go on my merry way, and do life in private and hope for the best...or come back here and walk this walk in front of you, be as transparent as I've always been on the journey, and count on Him to build better things in ALL of us because of it.

And I chose to be here.

I hope you're still here, too. I don't know where He's leading us...but I'm here.

Pain Keeps Me Humble...

So it's been a week of ups and downs so far.  And I'm OK with that.  (Not that I really have a choice!)

The "Ups"...my new school year has begun and I'm having a blast!  I'm working with people I love and admire greatly.  The families of my students are supportive and friendly.  And the new kiddos themselves are a joy to get to know.  I'm looking forward to the school year being amazing.

Also a BIG "up"...I have an incredible community of family and friends surrounding me.  I've heard from many of them this week.  Phone calls, texts, emails - you name it - they've let me know they love me, support me, and are praying for me.  That's just overwhelming!  I LOVE these people...truly, truly love them!

The only real downer this week is I'm having tremendous knee pain.  Swelling.  Meniscus problems on the right knee.  Just a really icky week for me physically.  Only one night in the gym so far, and it's not looking good for the rest of the week at this point.  Hoping that changes, but not anticipating it.

But here's what I'm thinking tonight.  The pain is keeping me humble...keeping perspective for me.  I might forget how utterly wonderful the rest of my life is and begin to take it for granted if I didn't really have rotten parts, too.  So if this knee pain is what it takes to keep me reminded of how great the rest of my life is...BRING IT ON!  Because I don't ever want to take for granted the blessings that God has given me and forget to thank Him for them!

Good night, my friends...count your MANY blessings!

DISCLAIMER...this blog post was written under the influence of some heavy pain killers...so who knows if I'll feel this way in the morning!??!?!  Hahahaha!!!  Just kidding!!  (Not about the pain killers...just about tomorrow!)

Insecure? Me?? Umm....

Every once in awhile, the girl I was creeps out of her hiding place deep inside me and reminds me that she's still around.  Let me share with you something that happened earlier this week...

The Scene:  Chatting with a friend...we mention a girl that we grew up with...one that we both knew, but haven't seen in a long time.

My friend:  "Oh, I remember her...she was really, really cute!"

Me:  :-(

Now...what my friend said was completely accurate (she really was cute...and still is!)...and in NO WAY did the comment about our mutual friend have ANYTHING to do with me.  But do you want to know what I heard??

"Oh, I remember her...she was really, really cute!  So much more cute than you were..."

Insecure, much?  You know the answer to that.  There's no point in even stating the obvious.

My friend didn't say that.  Wouldn't ever say that, because my friend loves and respects me...and never even thought this.  Not once.  I'm completely confident of this.  But it doesn't change the fact that it immediately ran through my head during this conversation.

What really makes it even more disheartening that I would allow this kind of purely insecure, negative talk to permeate my brain is that I have several reasons this week to feel very confident.  I'm taking on big responsibilities this school year and have begun work this week on a great note.  I've also spent time chatting with some great friends, being encouraged by them about the positive changes I've made in my life...and hearing from them how these changes have impacted them positively, too.  There are so many things going really well in my life right now that produce feelings of accomplishment and success. 

So, where does that voice come from?  The one that whispers lies to me...that tells me people look at me, judge me, and find me inadequate and lacking in comparison to others?

Well, as someone who believes that there are spiritual forces at work and at war in this world, I can tell you that the enemy of my soul is largely responsible for that whisper.  But I can't lay this all on him.  Because I bought into that lie long ago...hook, line, and sinker!  The only reason he can use this weapon against me is because I allow it.  That voice is one that I've chosen to listen to over the past 25+ years as I've struggled with self image and obesity.  And that just begs the question...

If it was my choice to listen to those lies over the years and absorb them into my life, can't it also be my choice NOT to listen anymore?

Instinctively, I know the answer to that question.  And I'm betting you do, too.

The other side of those Spiritual forces...the side I'm allied with and have staked my eternal future on...whispers the TRUTH to me.  And I can choose to listen and believe.  In fact, I'm invited to do so.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." 

So, it's time to renew my mind...get rid of that old girl hiding deep inside of me and all of her insecurities.  I know who I am...and WHOSE I am.  And I like me. A lot.  And you know what?  The bottom line is that's all I really need.