Saturday, March 3, 2012
The Post I Never Wanted To Write...
But this has all come at a cost.
I weigh 5 pounds more today than I weighed a week ago today.
Now, you might be thinking what I did initially...this is an OK trade off. The infection is leaving my body. When I'm done taking the antibiotic, a particularly strong one given multiple sources of infection in me, I'll probably lose the extra 5 pounds I'm carrying. Even though I checked the prescription information and it didn't list "weigh gain" or "water retention" as side effects of taking this medicine, I am hopeful that once I'm done taking it, my bloating and swollen joints will return to normal.
But what if they don't?
I've become so accustomed to the scale running the other way that to see the gain in weight has just about undone me. I can see the water swelling my joints. I can feel the "squishy" feeling of water weight. But what if it doesn't resolve when I'm done taking the antibiotics? What if I have to lose these 5 pounds all over again? Or worse yet, what if I gain more?
I didn't ever want to write this blog post. I didn't want to have to come here in public and claim a 5 pound weight gain in a week's time, no matter what caused it. And I almost didn't. But a friend reminded me that this is another part of the journey. And people need to know about it. Because it happens to you, too, and you need to know you're not alone. That's what this whole blog is about, after all. So I swallowed my pride, sucked up my gut, and sat down at the computer to fully disclose what's happening in my journey this week.
Things aren't always successful for me, just like they're not for you, nor for anyone else in the world. This past week has been so hard to take. It's been a struggle to see myself realistically. I look in the mirror and see pudge in places that I KNOW it was gone from just a week ago. Physically, I'm finally starting to feel better. But emotionally, I feel like I've been beat upon by a prize fighter. We're in the twelfth round, and I feel like I'm going down!
The great thing about being where I am, almost 2 years into this journey to the new, improved version of Angie, is that I understand a few important truths.
First, what I FEEL isn't necessarily what is TRUE. I may feel defeated, but I know for certain that I'm not. Regardless of whether the scale moves back down or not when I'm done with the antibiotic, I have lost 104 pounds and have gained enough self-confidence and self-esteem to know that I will eventually lose all the rest of the weight I want to lose to reach my goal.
Next, losing weight is an important part of this journey I've been on, but it is not really about that. It never has been. It's about total wellness - physical, mental, and spiritual. And right now, it's more important to resolve the infection in my body than to focus on keeping weight off. If the side effect is temporary weight gain to eradicate the infection, then so be it. Priority wise, being WELL is more important than a number on the scale.
Finally, the journey has taught me everything I need to know about losing weight. If this 5 pounds doesn't immediately drop off my body, I know what to do to lose it. And when my body is well, I can do it. Eat less, move more. It's really very simple. And I know I can do it. I've already successfully done it. And I will again.
So, full disclosure. That's what sharing this journey is about. No, today's post isn't one that I ever wanted to write...nor is gaining 5 pounds in a week something I ever wanted to experience. But here we are. And honestly, I'm grateful. Why you ask? Because you're here with me...supporting me...encouraging me on the journey. Taking this ride with you has been a highlight of my life!
On to better days, my friends...on to better days!