Saturday, March 10, 2012

What Lies Beneath...

Beneath that lid lies my nemesis.

Anyone who knows me knows EXACTLY what's inside that box.  It's my favorite pizza.  Ledo's.  Precooked bacon on top.  That's how I usually order it.  Last night was no exception. 

And while I was at the restaurant, I ate only 2 slices of a small pizza...perfectly OK as a once-in-a-while treat for dinner.  Not too calorie laden, just enough of a taste of my very favorite treat to satisfy my craving for this food of the gods.  It was what happened later that kinda got out of control!  But, as with most of the chaos in my life, in that moment, I discovered something vital about myself that I needed to learn on this journey to the new me.

It's not the pizza.  That's not my nemesis.  It never has been. 

It's me.

There is no denying that right now I'm dealing with some huge professional and personal hurdles.  I talk about some of the things going on in my life right now on this blog, but there's so much more that I either can't or won't share here.  Just like all of you, I have a life that gets complicated.  Those complications repeatedly play in my head.  They make me feel all range of negative emotions:  insecurity, lack of self-worth, sad, hurt, lonely.

Last night was a particularly difficult night emotionally for me.  And after I got home from Ledo's, I was stressed from thinking about all the difficult things that I'm trying to process.  And although I was no longer hungry - for anything but comfort - I got that box of leftovers from Ledo's.  And I ate 4 more slices of my favorite food.  Add that to the 2 pieces I ate earlier, and you have now just been invited to a 6-slice dinner!  THAT is not an OK once-in-a-while treat.  THAT is calorie overload in a week that I've been struggling with a weight gain anyway!  Tomorrow morning is not going to be pretty on weigh in day.  It's just not.

If you are familiar with Ledo's pizza, you'll recognize that 6 slices isn't quite as bad as it sounds on the surface.  For those of you who have never experienced this slice of heaven on earth, you should know that Ledo's pizzas are square, not round.  The slices are about 3 inch square slices, rather than the traditional triangular slices that most pizza places serve.  Six of them is probably about 720 calories or so.  Not a huge problem for most people to absorb in their diet.  Pretty easy to down, actually, without feeling overly filled and uncomfortable.

So, then, what was my REAL problem?  If it wasn't the wasn't the extra calories...then what was it?

My reason for eating. 

I am an emotional eater.  Period.  I thought I had made some gains on this.  I mistakenly thought I was "over" it.  But I'm not.  I never will be.  Emotional eating is not completely out of my control.  But it's not ever going to go away, either.  It's part of who I am.  Do they have a 12 step program for this?

"Hi, I'm Angie.  I'm an emotional eater."

I have been, am now, and will always be an emotional eater.  THAT'S my nemesis.  THAT is what I will spend the rest of my life controlling.  I eat when I'm not hungry.  I eat my way through all manner of emotions - not just the bad ones.  And no matter how hard I try, I always will be an emotional eater.  It's no different for me than it is for an alcoholic or drug addict.  Truly.  And living with it will mean much the same thing for me as it does for them.  One day at a time.

So today, in a much better emotional place thanks to time in prayer and wise counsel from some of the people I love most in the world, I'm absorbing the reality of this into my life.  If this is who I am...if I know this about myself...that it lies in wait beneath the surface, and that it always then shall I live?  What changes will be needed in my life to keep this in check?  I'm not sure I have all of those answers yet, but I will continue to search for them.  I have to.  This isn't going to go away, no matter how emotionally and physically healthy I become on this journey to the new me.

Now you know what lies beneath the surface.  This is scary stuff...facing your nemesis...taking it on rather than letting it rule you.  Pray for me I do for you.  And if you've got any ideas for me...bring 'em on.  I'm listening.

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