Friday, March 23, 2012
That The Eyes That See My Sin...
Sin is not an action, per se. It's an attitude, a state of mind and being.
It begins with the eyes. We see something. We think about it, ponder how it would be to have it, plan for how we're going to acquire it, enjoy it, make it part of our lives. Then we act. We go for it...invite whatever it is to come be part of us. By this point, we are ensnared, enslaved, ruined. Our sin was the thought, which led to the action. From its very beginnings, sin is a mind game.
In the last blog post, I mentioned a song from one of my favorite bands that really spoke to me last weekend when I heard them in concert. Casting Crowns sings Who Am I, and the words of one verse in particular resonated with me in a big way. In yesterday's post, I let you in on who I really am...the insecurities that led me to become the woman I was - unhealthy and injured, both physically and emotionally. I feel like it's important to catalog here some of what that insecurity led me to do - the actions that came from the attitude.
Do I feel that what I'm telling about myself is a list of "sins"? Some of them. Really, I'm just using the words of this song that really moved me to let God illuminate some things about me for myself...and for you. I promise you, I'm not beating myself up over this and offering up a public confession as penance for my misdeeds of the past quarter century. More like reflecting on how I got to where I was...for the purpose of NEVER RETURNING THERE!!! I consider that a very healthy action.
So here we go...but hang on tight, because we're in for a bumpy ride!
Being insecure led me to look for comfort in food. Insecurity is a natural state of discomfort. And seeking comfort when you're not comfortable is not wrong in and of itself. Comfort comes in many forms. It's not totally wrong (for most people) to seek comfort in food. There's a reason we have wakes/repasts after funerals...family dinners...receptions after weddings. There's comfort and familiarity in sharing a meal with people we are connected to emotionally. But for ME...I sought this comfort from food, rather than force myself to deal with the insecurity. Food was enjoyable, when I lacked joy. Food was satisfying, when I lacked satisfaction. Food was an escape. It allowed me to not have to deal with the underlying problems in my life because it created a more obvious and pressing problem - obesity and the side effects that caused in my life.
Being insecure led me to measure my worth by what I could see, instead of who I was. People who are not secure in their own being generally have very little understanding of their actual worth. They measure their value by their actions - what they produce, what they appear to be to others. I was one of those people. If you asked me, I'd tell you I was a "good" person. But I'd also tell you I was fat. I was totally convinced that this is the first and sometimes ONLY thing people noticed about me. My weight. And because I'd convinced myself of this, I also believed that I was worth less as a person than if I had enough self-control to keep my weight in check.
Being insecure led me to an inaccurate estimate and expression of my abilities. The heavier I got over the past 20+ years, the less active I became. As a child and teenager, I enjoyed being active. Softball was my game. Even as a young adult, I played on a rec league. I completely stopped doing that after injuring my knee during an ugly play that blew out my knee 15 years ago and started me on the road to arthritis. I attributed that injury to being far too heavy to play softball. So I stopped being active altogether. It hurt too much, I said (and it did). It was too risky, I argued (and it was). But something in my mindset changed as the weight increased. I forgot that I was at one time actually a good athlete, capable of working around that injury. I saw myself instead as weak and incapable. I actually did (and sometimes still do) this in other areas of my life. I am an intelligent person, but I often won't take credit for knowing as much as I do. Insecurity keeps me from wanting to appear like a "know it all". I also don't want to do things that call attention to myself, for fear that once people start looking at me, they'll see exactly how insecure I am and my "cover" will be blown.
So...here it is. Some of the ugly parts of me that I keep hidden from most people, but that still lurk around in my spirit. The thing about that song that moved me last weekend is really this phrase.
"The eyes that see my sin"...
I can keep this hidden from you. You might never have known that I think, act, and feel this way had I not just laid it out here for you. I can actually sometimes keep it hidden from myself if I don't look too hard for it and never examine myself beyond a surface level.
But I could NEVER keep it hidden from the One who knows me. The One who created me. The One who longs for me to bring it to HIM instead of bearing it myself.
God KNOWS this crud...the filth of my existence...this and all the rest of it that's not fit for public confession. He has known it from the start. And you know what?
He loves me anyway.
On to part 3....