Saturday, October 29, 2011

Building Fences...

One of the things that's pretty core to who I am as a person is that I reflect on things that happen to me to make sense of them and determine what impact those things will have in my life.  Once of the ways that I best reflect and process information is in writing.  It's one of the reasons that this blog exists, in fact, because putting words to the thoughts that run through my head helps me determine whether my life is on the track I want it to be or not.  It's my own personal form of evaluation, creativity, and expression.  The fact that it benefits others astounds me, humbles me, and feeds another essential need in my life ~ to care for and help others in whatever way I can.

Being transparent in this blog is essential because that's the only way I feel I can be true to who I am.  I make sense of the world by writing about it, by taking things that happen to me and mulling them around in my mind and then spilling them out of my fingers as the words and ideas in this blog.  At times, that has offended others, for which I am sorry.  However, most of the feedback I have received from people who read this is that it helps them to hear about my successes, but even more about my struggles and failures.  For as wonderful as that feels to hear, though, being transparent like this has some decided disadvantages.  It opens me up and makes me very vulnerable to being hurt by people who don't "get" me.  It allows people who know little about me to make judgments that are less than flattering, which also hurts.

It has been suggested to me that I consider being a little less transparent, intentionally keep some things to myself in order to avoid offending others and more importantly to avoid getting hurt.  "Build fences" is a policy that one of my most trusted and valued friends suggested I adopt in my life after a horribly painful week emotionally (and physically...but that has little to do with the events of the week and everything to do with osteoarthritis in my knees!)   The trouble is, I'm not sure that I can.  And honestly, I'm not really even sure that I want to.

I honestly believe that one of the reasons I have finally been successful in losing weight after years and years of failures is that I AM transparent and vulnerable.  I'm honest about this journey and I don't keep it private.  I publish my actual weight on this blog every Sunday padding the number to make it look better.  I don't hide things, and that makes me very accountable to my friends and family.  Some of my best suggestions about fitness and eating in a more healthy manner have come from people who know what I'm aiming for because I'm up front about it and very open to improvement.  Building fences to me means that I'd lose that kind of opportunity to grow myself, as well as losing the opportunity to let people in on my journey so they can benefit from it, too.

I have to do some real thinking about this suggestion from my friend.  Building fences might very well ensure that I don't have another week like this one...but it might also require me to make changes that could hurt me even more...that could potentially slow my journey...that don't feel like who I am.  I'll let you know how my thinking is going...unless I really DO put up some walls, in which case, I guess my silence will speak for me...LOL!!

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